In the beginning....

...there was darkness.


This page was empty. I feel that's the best place to start...with nothing. That's a breath of heavy fresh air for me. Almost too heavy...hard to hold in your chest. I've been living my life like most for my first 26 years...taking shallow breaths, moving too fast...thinking too fast, talking too fast...living too fast. Why? Because it felt lighter in the moment.

"If I keep moving, nothing will catch me."

Birthdays are coming faster than ever. I wonder now and then when I think of my age, what my mother was doing when she was 26. I think of her now...and her health. Then the moment is disturbed like it always is. I have things to do. Lots to do that must be done before I'm too tired and too old to do them. Hurry. Hurry.

I never feel good. I come up with excuses. The best ones in the world. I am the best customer of those excuses, and I buy them all. Every last one. Each one comes in a different design, package, smell, taste, color....but they're all the same. I know this in my mind, but that's okay. Each one is like sleeping on a comfy bed, a warm spot, one that's been kept warm for generations and now it's been handed down to me. I never want to imagine having to stand up and walk away from it. It's a perfect fit. But, you know, it's killing me.

It's my death bed.

I'm not sure how to tell myself that I'm going to die. I look to the news, first. It's easier for them to tell me. Eat this, die. Eat that, die. Okay, I get it. I've eaten that, I've eaten this. I'm dying. Now I'm going to rush off. I've got things to do. Life doesn't wait, it can't stop for me to heal.

I'm shopping right at this moment. This blog was my most recent spend on life. I'm going to write about myself, to myself, to others who I don't even know, but can relate to. I'm an artist, and love to write. Why can't I put those things into saving myself...? My life is very colorful. I have two (with one on the way) children, a husband, a house, and a career. Each of these things are sweeping me away on life's rollercoaster...and I only take a break to eat and sleep. Lately, my health condition requires medication that causes sleep to be fickle, leaving eating all I can count on to give me a moment of solace. My diet is one like many. I buy what is sold to me. I count the calories, I choose healthier foods. But something is missing. I feel hungry after eating.

That can't be right. What am I doing wrong?

I've taken a long hard look at things. I'm going to go on a journey and find what I am missing. I am going to find a way to eat the colors that I love. They are going to replace the void that I am feeling, and hopefully cause a wonderful explosion of life. I want to feel as beautiful as the paintings I love. I want it to come from the inside of my soul. I am starting with my diet.

I'm sure that they are going to look very tempting in a moment from now...when I stand up from this computer after this blog and let my mind drift. Past the living room is the kitchen where all kinds of excuses are floating around, ripe and juicy and sweet and salty.

This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I have to reconstruct my entire life. This will be my life. I want to share this experience with whoever wants to read my blogs. I hope there are a few who will lend me their knowledge, experience, tips, references, etc. I need all the support I can get. I want to be healthy again.


Height: 5'11''
21 weeks pregnant
Pre-pregnancy weight: 200
Current bodyweight: 210
Longterm bodyweight goal: 185 (after baby)

Current medical condition: undiagnosed autoimmune disease
Current medications: 5ml prednisone/day